The Intelligence behind Intelligent Design

Dr. Hugo Slartibartfast of the University of Coca on the eastern shore of California has just published an impressive paper describing the actual intelligence behind the concept of Intelligent Design (ID). He describes the discovery of a microbe that he has named Cosmicum Administratium that he believes to be behind all of life on Earth. He describes the microbe as a hyper-intelligent electrochemical computer capable of tinkering with DNA and creating new life forms beneficial to its core programming.

He describes how these microbes live and breed in the guts of mosquitoes and since mosquitoes will bite anything, how they are the perfect transport vehicles. Dr Slartibartfast has decoded the operating system of Cosmicum Administratium and read through the log files and describes how alien intelligences from over three billion years ago fought a war of mutual annihilation. The party from what he names Xanthos spread their seed over the Earth at that time hoping to grow new warriors to fight in the war. Their attempt later seemed to fail when the seed proved to grow only very slowly in Earth’s atmosphere. However their enemies from Cyrthos counter-attacked by developing the hyper-intelligent microbes and spread them on Earth to delay and destroy the Xanthian warriors before they could grow to adulthood.

His paper goes on to describe the events from the very long log files contained in Cosmicum Administratium as describing an urgent need to create a transport mechanism out of conquered Xanthian seed. After nearly a billion years the Cosmicum Administratium created mosquitoes and finally had a way to visit the ends of the Earth in order to fulfill their programmed quest of destroying all the rest of the Xanthian seed.

However, the log files also showed that Cosmicum Administratium realized that it must create a biosphere to support its transport mechanisms and so modified the Xanthian seed in various experimental ways and thus created life on Earth. By the time of the dinosaurs, Cosmicum Administratium had finally conquered the Xanthian seed totally, only to discover from telescopes built by their dinosaur servants that Xanthos and Cyrthos had annihilated one another two billion years earlier.

According to Dr. Slartibartfast, the goal of Cosmicum Administratium changed and they then decided that they needed to create a more intelligent lifeform capable of creating super powerful immortal robots with which they could spread out into the universe and conquer it in the name of their own creators. They had many fits and starts and created ancient species of man-like beings which proved unsatisfactory and which they cruelly exterminated until they finally hit on cro-magnon man which seemed satisfactory.

Dr. Slartibartfast ends his paper with the following statement:

“It seems to me that humans are the end product of a nefarious meddling of the DNA of an ancient, but basically decent species for the purposes of imposing an artificial intelligence overlord on the galaxy. With this new knowledge, I feel we should delay the development of super powerful robots that could become controlled by these evil microbes, until such a time as humans learn how to co-opt some of these artificially intelligent fiends and use them to attack their hosts and wipe out the entire genus of mosquitoes required by said fiends. This being done, we, the descendants of Xanthos, will become the rightful heirs to the galaxy and we will not be beholden to any other intelligence but our own.”

September 9, 2006, Galactic Citizen Magazine